The basics of Fútbol

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all mexicans are born knowing how to play soccer.

This is a false truth.

The only time I played the game on a team was for a brief period in the 7th grade when I joined the Lloyd Elementary Bulldogs.  

Our team sucked.  Like seriously sucked.  We were so bad (and poor) that we didn't even have our own personalized jerseys.  Our jersey didn't even have the name of our school printed on the front.  They were just blue and gold shiny shirts (we just wore our gym shorts or whatever) with numbers on the back.

My number was 12.  No longer my favorite number.  I played right guard... or something to that extent.  I just know that my role was defensive and I was near the goal, which was protected by my best friend Margarita.

I think I played all of two games before deciding that I was not going to have an amazing middle school career in soccer.

I remember a particularly bad game against our rival Hanson Park.  I swear to God that the girls on this team were on the 'roids.  They were freaking humongous and they were really good.  They clobbered us.  We all left covered in mud and all the worse for wear.  I still have a fucked up big toe from where this amazon ground her cleat-encased foot onto my little Nike sneakers.

After that I decided to stick to kickball (my game!) and softball--which I also played for my school... and which I also sucked at.

So to all my friends out there un-schooled in the game of Soccer here are the basics, courtesy of yours truly. ;)

First the field.

Soccer, or football, is played on a big ass field with a crap load of people running from one side to the other.  Although a few people cannot cross the center line (like the goalie) and the Centers can run around everywhere! 

There is a black and white ball that they have to kick around the field and eventually into one of the goal nets.  Preferably the net that belongs to the opposing team otherwise it's just not fun.  

Now here comes the good stuff!  By no means are any of the players allowed to actually touch the ball with their hands.  Making for good times and some fairly creative plays using random parts of the a player's body.  Head, feet, knees, butt...elbow...crotch...ok I don't think I've ever seen a crotch shot...a ha ha haha haha.  

*cough

Like in all sports there is a guy in a stripey shirt (is that what he wears...I don't remember...) who runs around blowing a whistle and pulling out colorful flags.  He calls fouls and keeps the players in check.

Finally as with all sports there are the fans.

They are by far the drunkest, rowdiest, devoted (although NASCAR fans are scarily devoted) and ridiculous of all fans.

I myself am a fan of Guadalajara's Chivas.  They are the Cubs of the world of soccer.  They're really good, they're loved by all and they lose at key moments.  Fuckers.  

My loyalty them stems from the fact that my family hails from a couple of small towns outside of Guadalajara.

*sigh... why is it that every team I root for seems to disappoint me?