Oh no.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no ohnoohnoohno.

Blue flashing lights in the rearview mirror.

Okay, don’t freak out. Don’t panic. Just chill and move over and maybe they’ll just pass you up.

Oh fuck. they pulled over too. Don’t look guilty. Calm down. You’re sweating! Stop looking so crazy they’re going to make you get out of the car if you don’t chill the fuck out. Oh my God! Why can’t you stop sweating?!

Shit. He’s knocking on the window. Lower the window. No, asshole, you don’t have to roll down the window, it’s not 1996! Press the button, press the button!

“Evening, miss.”

“Hello, officer.”

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”

“No officer.”

“You were going 12 miles over the speed limit.”

“Really officer?”

“Did you not realize how fast you were going?”

“I was keeping up with traffic.”

“There is no traffic.”

“I know, because they’re all going faster than me.”

“Do you think you’re funny?”

“It was a little funny...”

“License and registration please.”

“I’m sorry officer...Officer Finnley, I’ve had a long day at work and I just wanted to get home. I didn’t realize how fast I was going. I won’t do it again. Please just let me go this one time. Please, please please?”

“Where do you work, Melanie?”

“Umm... Diamonds.”

“Diamonds?”

“Diamonds.”

“The strip joint?”

“The strip joint.”

“You’re a stripper?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t look like a stripper.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?

“Strippers tend to be a little more...”

“A little more what?”

“Uh, I don’t know, you know a little...um and a little....uh....and well you just look so wholesome.”

“Well, I’m a stripper.”

“That’s too bad, miss.”

“It’s not all that bad. It pays the bills.”

“You should be in college or something.”

“Geez, dad. look are you going to give me a ticket or not?”

“No, you’re off the hook just this once.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Just ease up on the gas, okay? That’s how people get in accidents.” “Of course. Oh wow. Thanks so much. You know what? You should come on by Diamonds, I’ll make sure you get a free lap dance.”

“Um, that won’t be necessary.”

“Well, the offer’s good.”

“Thanks. Head on home then. Be safe.”

“Thank you. Good night, officer.”

Smile. Put up the window. Turn on the car. Drive off normally. He’s pulling out too. Oh God, please don’t let him follow you home. Oh, yes, he’s flipping a U. Oh thank God. We’re in the home stretch.

Good job! First run in with the law and you didn’t shit your pants.